@TravLeBlanc

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

You Might Also Like

@i_noted

How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.

@VaguelyFunnyDan

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

@Gorrdano

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

@MelvinofYork

I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.

@SwanieChicken

Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?

It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.

@JohnLyonTweets

Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.

@Demented_Jokes

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.

@Stellacopter

It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.

Lol