My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

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How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.


When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.


Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.


I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.


Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?

It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.


Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.


I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.


It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.