My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
You Might Also Like
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Me as a therapist: omg same
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Seas the day!!!!
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
figuring out my emotional availability:
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”