My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
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Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
🤣🤣💀
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Become ungovernable.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.