My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
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WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Anime is real