My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
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If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
me working on my assignments ^-^
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!