My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
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dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Would you wear it?
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood