My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a 10, but imaginary
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Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.