My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
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Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.