her: take off my bra
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
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“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Think I pulled my liver
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.