Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”

DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.

ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol

Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake

My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.

My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.

Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times

Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”

mugger: GIMME UR MONEY

“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”

[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME

Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.

Me: I’m paying cash.

Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?

A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.

I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.

My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.

[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.

“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”

Aliens: WHAT

I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.

Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter

Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is

Boss: …

Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?

Me- Wished I was an adult

therapist: what’s your greatest fear

me: randomly going blind

therapist: i see

me: but for how long?

It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.

Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.

She just wanted a better look at her surroundings

I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.

– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…

Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.