My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
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My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
This bar smells like my childhood.