My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

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her: take off my bra

me: ok

her: take off my panties

me: wow ok

her: stop wearing my clothes


“Do you want to hold my baby?”

Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.


When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.


I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.


[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird


My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’


I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.