My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
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More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”