My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
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Barbie gone wild
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
accurate
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.