My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
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Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
🙄😏😂🤣
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.