My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
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If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.