My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
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If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.