My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
You Might Also Like
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Somewhere in an alternate universe
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?