My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
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Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.