My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
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{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.