Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mind is like a sponge.

It spends most of its time in filthy places.

Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.

I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.

Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.

I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break

My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow

Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.

“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.

If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.

Parenting through the years:

1st kid: Organic food only

2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”

3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”

She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.

Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other

mime teacher: *thumbs up*

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..

Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.

Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.

Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”

I must have the white iPhone.

Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”

God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!

2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.

Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.

[Sound of sellotape ripping]

My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.

Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.

Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”

*at Pearly Gates

Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark

St. Peter: Mittens, I said no

Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.

Me: Then what?

Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.

Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*