My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
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Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.