@MehrangizC That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
@samalmightysam My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
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@MehrangizC 
@gbergan I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
@dmc1138 While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
@david8hughes Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
@ninjadinosaur1 ‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
@weinerdog4life When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
@theDanLawler Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
@PwrFulWmn Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
@KyleMcDowell86 “Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
@myonlymizztake *Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*