My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
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Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
How does one answer this?
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?