My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

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That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..


I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.


While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!


Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti


‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco


When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch


Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.


Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.


“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*


*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*