@samalmightysam

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

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@MehrangizC

That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..

@gbergan

I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.

@dmc1138

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

@david8hughes

Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti

@ninjadinosaur1

‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco

@weinerdog4life

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

@theDanLawler

Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.

@PwrFulWmn

Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.

@KyleMcDowell86

“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*

@myonlymizztake

*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*