My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
You Might Also Like
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Does beer think about me too?
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
my professor scared me for a second
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”