My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
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I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Print is alive and well!!!
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Sing it!
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.