My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
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Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
*jingles half the way*
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
And now we wait
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.