My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
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As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.