My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
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ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Hard not to take this personally
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.