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My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
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If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.