@rickolantern

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

You Might Also Like

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.

@SlipNutsTM

If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.

@envydatropic

I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.

The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.

@LoveNLunchmeat

I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.

@DameSpunky

Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.

@SarcasticSadOne

I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

@clichedout

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this

@sexncake

Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

@stephenjmolloy

Taxi driver: Where to?

Me: Inbetween one and three.

Taxi driver: Get out.