My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

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Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.


If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.


I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.

The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.


I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.


Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.


I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.


HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this


Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.


Taxi driver: Where to?

Me: Inbetween one and three.

Taxi driver: Get out.