My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
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Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.