my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
You Might Also Like
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
United Steaks of America
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon