@dyldonot

my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be

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@bitchisagenius

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”

@UncleDuke1969

“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”

@BDublicious

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

@Cornjerker78

Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?

Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.

@LnL245

If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.

@SteveKoehler22

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

@SortaBad

[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*

@better_off_dad2

I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.

@AndLive2Love

My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…