my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
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I hope google does well on my son’s test
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.