my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be

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My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”


“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”


I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.


Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?

Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.


If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.


A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?


[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*


I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.


My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…