My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
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Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card