my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
You Might Also Like
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.