My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
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Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground