My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
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*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Found the job I’m suited for
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Your honor these allegations are
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.