My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
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angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Please do it!
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?