my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
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HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.