my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
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I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
When you’ve simply given up.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working