My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.

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Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused


An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.


eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.


The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.


If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore


Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.


*guitarist breaks guitar*
*drummer throws drums*
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
*bassist plants a bomb*


On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.


If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.