My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
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Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
not to brag, but mine was free
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.