My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
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No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Ooh I do like a good funnel
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100