“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
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A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
This a good idea
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.