“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
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boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.