My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
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Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*