my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
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I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.