My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
You Might Also Like
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money