Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.

VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down

My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.

*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”

ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van

FRIEND: …and?

ME: that’s it i guess

day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀

“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.

Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner

These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.

Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life

Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”

My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.

Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”

Me: “So how does that make you feel?”

[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

i- i did not expect this

Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!

superman: nice car does it have gps

batman: no

superman: then how do you know where you’re going

batman: *starts screaming*

Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.

I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.

[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.

I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.