My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
You Might Also Like
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.