My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
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What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.