My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
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Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Think I pulled my liver
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Oh yeah that’s it
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.