Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.

[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon

Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣

ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs

Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”

Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”

Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”

me to my student: go get your mom

my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!

If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.

When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.

When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks

Okay hear me out.

I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.

I’d marry me

imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name

[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.

(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off

i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order

Welcome to your fifties…

AT 10PM WE SLEEP

AT DAWN WE PEE

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.

A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”

“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.

Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.

“Bear with me”

-A Russian bear trainer

Me: I’m so emotional today

8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!

Your mother has terrible taste in children.

Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that

The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

[invention of history]

Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.

Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.