My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
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having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Venn
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”