My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
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mom gave me mine for free
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
The first one, obviously
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
☠️☠️☠️
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.