My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
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Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
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Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them