My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
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I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send