My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
You Might Also Like
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle