My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Expect the unexporcupine.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together