my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
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[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
me, too, girl. me, too.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Never be a pizza!
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”