My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
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Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.