My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
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Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Hey! This isn’t my car!
What if all the cashiers are married?
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
They got Raph!
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?